Telemarketer Humor

The Telemarketer Fun Game    
Everyone has gotten a call from a telemarketer, the new Scourge of the 
Telephone System.  Previously when the phone rang, you always wondered 
if it was someone you knew or another nimrod with something to sell.  
Well, the time has come to turn the tables.  We need to take control 
of our own phones.  We need to take the "market" out of 
"telemarketing."

PREMISE

Telemarketers take the brute force approach to making sales.  If you 
talk to a whole bunch of people, someone will buy what you're selling.

COUNTER-TACTIC

Waste as much of their time as you can.  Each minute that you waste 
means several potential customers that will not be reached.  Make 
telemarketing unprofitable.  Hanging up only increases the chances for 
them to make a sale.  Don't let this happen

HINTS

Most of the preliminary stuff is done by someone making minimum wage, 
reading from script.  Let him/her finish.  It's easy points (see 
SCORING below), and besides, you were watching "Star Trek" and weren't 
using your phone anyway.  It's easy to keep a telemarketer interested 
using attentive grunting, similar to when your mother calls.

SCORING

BASIC POINT SYSTEM 
Each minute spent on the phone......................................10 pts/min
Getting transferred to someone who makes more than minimum wage.....15 pts 
Each minute spent on the phone with person making more than 
minimum wage........................................................25 pts/min
BONUS POINTS
Getting telemarketer to repeat part of the script....................5 pts ea.
Getting answers to stupid questions.................................15 pts ea.
Changing the subject................................................50 pts
Making the telemarketer angry......................................175 pts
Making the telemarketer hang up....................................750 pts
Call back, get his/her boss on the phone, and tell him/her 
the telemarketer hung up on you..................................1,500 pts
Getting their 1-800 number..........................................10 pts
Checking the number a week later and it's busy or disconnected...5,000 pts

EXAMPLE

[phone rings]
You: Yes? 
Them: Hi, I'm with Fly-By-Night Carpet Cleaning and we're in your area (...)
[start clock->] 
Them: (...) would like to know if you're interested.
You: Sure.
Them: Well, we are currently offering (...) depending on the size of the rooms. 
You: Well, how much for the whole house? [15 bonus pts]
Them: Let me transfer you to __XXX___
[transfer]
Them: Sir/Ma'am? 
You: Yes? [25 pts/min] 
Them: How large is your house?
You: Oh, about 2,000 square feet.
Them: [calculates amount] Well, that would be about $xxx.
You: [duh?] It won't hurt the floor, will it?
Them: Oh, no! We use a [...explanation--this usually takes some
time...] and is completely safe.
You: [duh?] Even with my pets?
Them: Oh, yes. The chemicals we use [...]
You: Do you have to pre-treat, since I have pets?
Them: Yes, and we do that with [...]
You: [getting a repeat] But the original offer was for $39.95, does 
that include treating for pets?
Them: [...] 
You: [subject change] Well, it *is* kind of dirty.  The guys were 
over for the game.  Did you see the Cowboys vs. the Rams?
Them: Yes.
You: What a game!  That last touchdown pass!  Wasn't that a great play? 
Them: Well, back to your house... 
You: Oh, yes.  Well, what about moving the furniture? 
Them: [...] 
You: [subject change] Do you clean furniture, too?  Those guys 
spilled some beer.  Have you smelled old beer on furniture 
before?  But what a game, eh?!  I couldn't believe they couldn't 
move the ball in the second quarter... [...]
Them: [getting angry] Ahem...would you like us to come out?
You: Well, when could you come out?
Them: How about next week?
You: Hmmm... morning or afternoon?
Them: Either would be fine. 
You: Do you have anything the week after?
Them: Sure.  Can I put you down for Tuesday?
[Okay, let's try for those last big bonus points:] 
You: Well, I don't think it matters, since I have all hardwood floors 
here.
Them: [click!] [Yes!  750 points!]

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